I’d like to introduce Sam’s blog to you Lovely Lollipop’s.  Speaking of a difficult time in her life, when she lost her beloved nana, she speaks of her grief, her worries and how reading of other’s experiences can help:

“I would say just don’t hold it in because I went to ruin when that happened and I got in an even bigger state when I did finally talk to someone. “

 

Hello, my names Sam, 32 years old and mum to two little boys. I currently live between here in the UK and Bulgaria on a little farm. I am wife to a British Army Veteran who got severely injured in the Armed forces with a brain injury and severe PTSD. We found a place in Bulgaria that was quiet, peaceful and could aid in his recovery. I have a small business where I make ornaments from clay and I have a gazillion animals whom I love with all my heart.

I recently lost my nana.  As a child me and my brother were at my nanas house all the time, it was our second home, she was like a mother to me and every single moment I spent with her was special. Our relationship only grew stronger as I got older. After losing my grandad to cancer a few years ago I always wanted to do things that would make her smile. Our thing was to watch all the game shows on tv together, she always loved a good game show. So one day I applied for every one going, deal or no deal, golden balls etc and finally I got a call from the weakest link and I appeared on the show just so she could see me on a game show. It made her so happy and we giggled about how I got knocked out in the second round every day. She was funny, strong and confident and I just loved being around her.

Last summer my nana was on the end of life pathway at the hospital. She had been in for a few weeks this time but getting over pneumonia and lots of other problems.  She had been in and out of hospital for a while with breathing problems; we always thought shes really tough she will pull through it again. This time she didn’t and the decision was made to put her on the program and take her of her medications and let her die. This is when it hit me like a ton of bricks, my nana who was like my mum and was so excited about meeting her second great grandson, who I was due to have in August, had been put in a room to die.

At first I was just numb I didn’t understand no matter how many times the nurses explained it to me. We were told that she would pass very shortly so my brother and I sat with her and after a short while we watched her take her last breaths. I felt heartbroken but happy that she would no longer be in pain and was finally at peace with my grandad. My grandad who had passed a few years ago now had very aggressive cancer and the last thing he said to me is he wanted to die, which affected me a lot because he screamed it in pain, this experience with my nana was a lot calmer and peaceful. The last few day I have been getting flash backs of her when she died, those final moments and I am just not sleeping. I was trying to occupy my mind by carrying on with orders and trying to stay calm because I was having a bad pregnancy but I have gone from feeling calm to feeling strange and sick at the thought she isn’t here. I am not sure if this is a sign of grief, I haven’t experienced these symptoms before. I really don’t know who to turn to, everyone says you will be ok, but I felt so lost.

The loss of my nan has made me become more protective of my family, I have started worrying more about my husband being on his own in Bulgaria, with his brain injury and PTSD he has many mental health issues and I worry about something happening to him. I know a lot of people say to me you never know you could not be here tomorrow but that scares the hell out of me at the moment. I think that’s part of my grief that I am going through though along with the flash backs of watching someone you love die. Biggest Low? My biggest low would be feeling alone, I feel that I have to be strong and not show emotion as I don’t want to upset my brother or let my little one see me upset but when I am alone or things are quiet I break down. My husband is the only one that understands me.

What advice would you give to someone still acutely grieving? From past experiences of both my grandads passing I would say just don’t hold it in because I went to ruin when that happened and I got in an even bigger state when I did finally talk to someone. But I am kind of  hypercritical as this time I still find myself doing it. I think reading a blog about others experiences would bring relief to so many people. I think that a blog would be something wonderful that you could choose to read when you were feeling low or to see what other experiences people have had so you don’t feel so alone. I am sorry I feel like I am babbling on now, I don’t know if anything I said makes sense xx

If you would like to send in your story of grief, loss, friendship, mental health or a story of hope please message me: blog@lottylollipop.com

Your story will be published here and on our Lotty Lollipop facebook page.  As a thank you we will also send you a Rainbow Wish Fairy free of charge.  We would love to hear from you.