This is the very first of a series of blog posts talking about real life bereavement stories.

I’ve had this idea and been sat on it for about a year as I honestly didn’t know whether I had the time to manage it, but after a inspirational chat with my little brother last week I decided to put my big girl business pants on and make it happen.

To me it seems that no one is really talking about about grief. There are all these lovely inspirational blogs about weddings, homes, style etc But death is not I guess a “popular” subject in the everyday chit chat of life. My experience of been bereaved is that people do not want to talk about and share with you your  sadness as they want to avoid being reminded of how fine that line is between life and death.

When my husband suffered acutely with his mental health I found blog posts from people who were going through similar invaluable, for me they were therapy and enabled me to make the decisions as to how I was going to move forward. So I want to create a similar place in my blog posts if I can, somewhere that is a safe and inspiring. A place to read, write, learn, and talk about issues of death, dying, bereavement and place I guess to heal.

Today Emma would like to tell her heartbreaking story of multiple baby loss and the still birth of her beautiful Annabelle

My name is Emma I’m 36, I’m engaged to Dave my partner for nearly 18 years.

We were trying for a family for nearly a decade before we were finally able to have IVF,  having lost 3 natural pregnancies, we were delighted when we got pregnant with the IVF first time!

Sadly though we lost first embryo at about 6wks into the pregnancy.

We were successful in our second attempt too, our daughter was strong and perfectly healthy until 17.5 wks in when I went into early labour due to placental abruption. Our daughter Annabelle was born still 11.07.15.

Postmortem on our daughter Annabelle, and hysteroscopy for me showed no clue as to why it happened. I can’t even begin to explain the pain we felt and still feel today, it never goes away. You come out of a fog of acute grief after a while, and start to find your “new normal” but the pain always remains.

The only way I got through the early days was being with Dave. He is truly my Hero, my looker afterer, the best daddy I have ever known. We’ve had support from some family and friends, and SANDS who have been our lifeline at times and still are!

I’m now a befriender for SANDS, and Dave the committee treasurer. We did try IVF again using the rest of our savings, but sadly miscarried very early. We will need to save again in order for further treatment as there is almost no hope of a natural conception.

We cope now by remembering Annabelle and the tiny ones we did not meet. We involve Annabelle in our traditions and our life, she is forever ours and we are forever hers.

Loosing each baby has been so hard, but loosing Annabelle was different, it changed us. Our love for Annabelle is incomparable to any other love we have on earth. We felt it from the second we first we saw her on the embryo picture, again when we found out we were pregnant, overwhelmingly when we saw her move in her scan, when I felt her kick.  She changed us more than I knew possible the moment she died. We held her, cuddled her, kissed her little face seeing how much she looked like Daddy.

My biggest low was the stay in hospital and the first 6 months after. Our treatment from the staff in hospital was beyond shocking, there was limited compassion and complete lack of understanding. Far far too much “stop crying you must be strong now” talk. If I hadn’t of been in complete shock and acute grief, I’d have given them all a bollocking!! Not only did loosing our daughter break my heart, the poor care received left us with scars that are hard to conceal.

There’s no second she’s not in our minds. We talk about her constantly and we won’t stay silent about her loss no matter how much others would prefer it. I wouldn’t do anything differently, because honestly we can only do what we can do at the time.

I do however want to change things within the hospitals system and raise the public awareness so that parents of angels do not have to go through what we did. It is through our work with SANDS, that we hope to do this.

I pray that one day we’ll have another child, but they will always know of their big sister and tiny siblings in heaven watching over them XXXX

This is Annabelle’s bear. It was part of a set, a Mummy Bear and Baby Bear given to us by my best friends Nanny. The Baby Bear went with Annabelle and we kept the Mummy Bear. It contains some of Annabelle’s ashes and is a huge source of comfort to us.

If you would like to send in your story of grief please do message me on the Lotty Lollipop Facebook page or email me as a thank you once your story has been published I will send you a Rainbow Wish Fairy free of charge.

Gem X